You were never a victim… You will see the truth, and it will set you free!
05/28/2016, I have not written anything in a while… My bad…
We have been in a holding pattern. Jim’s six month “course” with Chemotherapy is complete, and now we wait for him to go to Kaiser, Roseville, for a new high tech scan. After those results are in, the doctor will determine where to go from here.
Jim has been feeling fatigued, with no energy. He had a really bad neck ache, but I am unable to find any lumps. He now says his neck no longer aches. Hmmm…
It is frustrating to try to find specific information about lymphoma. Do not get me wrong, there is plenty of information out there, but some of it is so vague that is becomes useless. I looked up neck pain with lymphoma, and almost all of it is related to the diagnosis for lymphoma; sometimes, people that think they have the flu, with classic symptoms like swollen lymph glands in the neck, are diagnosed with lymphoma. The lymph nodes we associate with this are in the the front of the neck, but his pain is/was coming from the back of his neck. I learned we have lymph nodes at the back of the neck also.
Uncertainty is torture!
What does voting mean to you? Do you research issues and candidates? Do you vote your conscience, or just see what others think and vote their way? Do you listen to the pundits who tell you how you should vote? How do you feel when you have diligently picked the candidate who would be the best, and then see others turn on your candidate with demeaning remarks and ridicule, calling your candidate a spoiler? Does it make you angry when you are told that a vote for your candidate equals a vote for the hated other side?
Let me share with you one example of what I mean. This is regarding a Facebook page that I once admired… The page is called “We The People.”
I no longer trust or respect this page.
They posted an article by Mother Jones, but it was their own commentary introducing the post that offended me.
I read it over and over again, hoping to find a silver lining, but there was none. I was angry and so I made a comment.
They did not handle my criticism well (I will admit to being angry), nor did they choose to give an intelligent, well-thought-out perspective. Instead they called me an idiot and banned me from commenting on the page at all. I would like to think that they were unsure how to handle me, but the truth is, this type of reactionary action and commentary seems to be the norm.
Since then, they have escalated their attacks on my candidate and coined a new name for his followers. We are now Berniebots.
They have stooped well below the line of decency. They call themselves progressives and “Berniebots” are now cynics. Does the commentary with each of these posts show progressives in action? NO!
05/03/2016~ The secret is out so I am no longer obliged to keep the secret.
My mother has just been diagnosed with a very aggressive form of lung cancer. Her lung has already collapsed and she now needs oxygen to keep her breathing normal. She asked the doctor who had shared this diagnosis with her how long he thought she had. He answered that she had four to six weeks. We were all devastated!
After chatting with him longer, she learned that he was a professional tennis player from Calcutta, India, and as it turns out, he knows Jarkko Nieminen, a Finnish professional tennis player (recently retired). He looked at her with new eyes. She was no longer just an 80-year old woman to him, and he came back and ordered Chemotherapy. She finished her first series on Friday, April 29, 2016.
We are now waiting for the results of her MRI/CT Scan on a new machine they have at Kaiser in Roseville. Ironically, my husband will be getting his MRI/CT SCAN on the same machine on June 13, 2016. They are worried that mom’s cancer has metastasized and is in her brain. He told her if that was the case, then they would try radiation therapy. She is happy just knowing that he is now on her side!!
04/29/2016~ Poor Jim! He has no more delirium, but the memories have come flooding back.
Jim was taking a nap on the couch and I was writing a new chapter in my book.
“I made a fool out of myself this weekend didn’t I?” Jim asked quietly from the couch. I raised my head, knowing he was watching me, but I did not turn to look at him.
“That sounds a little harsh,” I responded. “Remember what your doctor said? ‘You are a sick man Mr. Vogel.'” I turned to look at him, laying on the couch, eyes glistening with tears that had yet to spill over. I got up and somehow managed to sit on the floor next to him and gather him into my arms, holding him tight, letting him softly cry.
I wanted to scream at the sky, and shake my fist… at no one, I was at a loss, but I have to be strong.
Cancer is now taking another… Why does it want the two I cannot live without? Four to six weeks I am told.
I scream and shake my fist at no one…
04/25/2016~ The last three days have not been good days… Jim’s newest Chemotherapy side effect seems to be Delirium. He is exhausted but he can’t sleep. This is the most frightening ordeal we have gone through. I have asked him to call his doctor, but he refuses.
He had a shorter episode like this a couple of weeks ago, but it passed quickly after he was able to sleep. I am at a loss…
The doctor had shown him side by side comparisons of the first CT Scan taken in December and the one taken last week. When Jim got home, he drew me a picture to show what he saw and what the doctor told him. The cancer on his spleen and liver had shrunk to about 1/3 rd of it’s original size. We would have been even more excited had we known he had cancer on his liver and his spleen. It was a little like getting bad news at the same time… Things were still worse than we had thought before, but the good news is that remission is around the corner!
Jim had Chemotherapy for six hours on Monday and today he had one hour and he will have another hour again tomorrow. Jim let me take pictures of his chest today. They leave the tubing plugged into the “port” he had surgically implanted into his chest just for the Chemotherapy. Tomorrow the tubing will be gone and he will just have a ping pong ball size lump there. On the other side of his chest, he has his Implantable Cardioverter-Defibrillator (ICD).
This last one is not his chest, but I love this picture!!
03/28/2016~ What is my “Dealing With Cancer” blog all about? It is not just about the cancer, it is how hubby and I are dealing with the cancer. I want it to be real, to explain what we know, what has happened, and what we expect. To keep it real, I am trying to be as honest as possible; sharing Jim’s frustration and then sharing my frustrations.
I vent in this blog. I have no where else to vent. I am only the caretaker, not the individual with the lymphoma. I would give anything to trade places with him, but I know I cannot, and doing so might not help him at all. I have always been the stronger person…
If some of my rants and frustrations make you see me as an uncaring person, then so be it. I feel they represent the truth and I would be a liar to pretend everything was perfect. It would be a lie to think either of us was perfect.
The elephant in the room is the anger, the sheer rage that can overcome a cancer patient, and they usually lash out at their caretaker. I have been called every name in the book, and accused of things that are unimaginable. I have been told that all of this is my fault; he never should have married me because I am a tramp and a whore; he never really loved me; I am nothing but a fat pig; I’ve been punched while driving… The list goes on and on, yet I am still here because I know it is the cancer. He has gone out of his way to apologize, to beg my forgiveness. I have forgiven and will continue to stand by him. I love him.
The prognosis is not good. He is over 60-years-old and he has high blood pressure and diabetes, his lymphoma is the aggressive kind, meaning if he makes it though chemo this round, he will have a chance to live three to five more years. A small percentage are completely cured, but they have been under 60 years of age.
I have tried to purge all the hateful moments from the last 4 months because they will come back to haunt me. He knows what buttons to push to hurt me, yet I am numb right now, call it self preservation… for I know when they do come flooding back, I will be left to question whether… Never mind, best to stay numb.
The problems I speak of are realities, I want to share it all without sugar-coating it. Does this make me a horrible person?
03/25/2016~ Jimmy had his Chemo sessions on March 21, March 22 and March 23. He was disappointed that this time around he did not have the go go go feeling like before. Jim has an aggressive form of cancer and the chemo therapy drug regiment includes Prednisone.
Prednisone, which is an anti inflammatory, is a steroid known to cause Prednisone Euphoria. Jim takes it for five days starting the first day of his Chemotherapy. For the first three days, when you are actually getting the chemo treatment, you are on top of the world. The fourth day the euphoria diminishes, and by the fifth day you are looking for that euphoria and tiring quickly. This time it was a little worse because Jim forgot to take the Prednisone on the second chemo day.
Have I mentioned that Jim is very stubborn, hard-headed, independent, proud, and an only child? Trying to help him is a constant battle when he thinks that any offer of help means you are telling him that he is incompetent… I don’t get that, but it does no good to argue; you end up chasing your head around the room when he bites it off. If nothing else, I have learned a lot about my husband and myself.