03/28/2016~ What is my “Dealing With Cancer” blog all about? It is not just about the cancer, it is how hubby and I are dealing with the cancer. I want it to be real, to explain what we know, what has happened, and what we expect. To keep it real, I am trying to be as honest as possible; sharing Jim’s frustration and then sharing my frustrations.
I vent in this blog. I have no where else to vent. I am only the caretaker, not the individual with the lymphoma. I would give anything to trade places with him, but I know I cannot, and doing so might not help him at all. I have always been the stronger person…
If some of my rants and frustrations make you see me as an uncaring person, then so be it. I feel they represent the truth and I would be a liar to pretend everything was perfect. It would be a lie to think either of us was perfect.
The elephant in the room is the anger, the sheer rage that can overcome a cancer patient, and they usually lash out at their caretaker. I have been called every name in the book, and accused of things that are unimaginable. I have been told that all of this is my fault; he never should have married me because I am a tramp and a whore; he never really loved me; I am nothing but a fat pig; I’ve been punched while driving… The list goes on and on, yet I am still here because I know it is the cancer. He has gone out of his way to apologize, to beg my forgiveness. I have forgiven and will continue to stand by him. I love him.
The prognosis is not good. He is over 60-years-old and he has high blood pressure and diabetes, his lymphoma is the aggressive kind, meaning if he makes it though chemo this round, he will have a chance to live three to five more years. A small percentage are completely cured, but they have been under 60 years of age.
I have tried to purge all the hateful moments from the last 4 months because they will come back to haunt me. He knows what buttons to push to hurt me, yet I am numb right now, call it self preservation… for I know when they do come flooding back, I will be left to question whether… Never mind, best to stay numb.
The problems I speak of are realities, I want to share it all without sugar-coating it. Does this make me a horrible person?