• Depression is Life Consuming

    I fell and broke my left shoulder on the day I was supposed to pick up my mother’s ashes. I also cracked a couple of ribs and really messed up my right knee. I had surgery on October 26th, 2017, and spent several days in bed, my daughter picked the ashes up for me and took them home; I had just inherited a house.

    I could not drive for 12 weeks, and my wonderful husband stepped up to the task. I should have started probate immediately, but have yet to start the process… I am an only child, how hard can it be?

    It is very hard when I do not even want to get out of bed, I don’t want to eat so I have lost weight (which is a good thing), but I don’t take my medicine (it’s too hard), this is bad.

    I always thought I was a strong person, but I have learned that I am vulnerable… I have yet to learn to cope.

    My husband is being incredible! We bought each other a new car for Valentine’s day.

    Meet Xander

    I love my new car! The first thing I wanted to do was drive it to my parents house to show them, but they weren’t there, so we drove home.

    Life is so much easier when I bury my head in the sand…

  • Nightmares

    My dad died, unexpectedly, in October 2016. He had a massive stroke. My mother had been diagnosed with lung cancer in April of 2016 and was given four to six weeks to live. She fooled them all, being the strong woman she was, but passed away in September of 2017. I have had the strangest nightmares…
    My dad is driving our 1969 Chevy Van, with my mother sitting in the passenger seat. I am sitting in the back, like I did as a child when we’d go camping, which we did almost every weekend. I am an only child.

    Getting ready to go camping.

    This time, however, I was an adult, and my current cat, Samantha, was with me. Dad would take a corner, a bit too fast, the side door would open, and Samantha and I would go flying out. Mom and dad never came to look for me, and when I would spot the van in traffic, it would disappear.

    I desperately tried to find them, getting rides from a myriad of kind strangers, from several different ethnic backgrounds, but I could not find them, growing desperate in my search.

    I have now spent several days trying to analyse the dream… What seems obvious is that my beloved parents are sending me a message. They are telling me that it is not my time to join them, and I need to move forward.

    There is also hope in that message; they are telling me that they are still watching over me, and that they love me.

  • Update


    When her husband called me, he said she was convulsing and could not answer him. He called 911 and when the EMT’s got there they said her blood sugar was 20!. Cynthia has late onset type I diabetes, diagnosed about two years ago. Unfortunately, she has no medical insurance. That is another story that I do not want to get into right now.

    I just talked to her, and she is sounding more and more like herself. They plan to admit her into Sutter Roseville so she is waiting for a room. She promised me she would be okay… She promised me!

  • I’ve Been Negligent… I’m Sorry

    The post with my dad’s obituary on November 6, 2016, was the last post I have written here. Writing a new post will push it down below this one… I wasn’t ready to do that before, I am not sure if I am ready now.

    I was not ready for any of this; my hubby is diagnosed with Lymphoma on December 13, 2015 and goes through a course of chemo. In April of 2016, my mother is diagnosed with lung cancer and given four to six weeks to live. She had chemo for a couple of months, but it was too much for her, so she stopped the chemo. She has been on oxygen ever since, using an oxygen machine at home. She is still with us today, but recently she has been in the hospital several times. She has congestive heart failure and her lungs fill with fluid so she get pneumonia. In the hospital they give her medicine, then send her home.

    In September of 2016, my dad was suddenly showing signs of illness. At the end of September, he went to the emergency room twice, only to be released. Something was very wrong. On Thursday, September 29th, 2016, dad had a massive stroke.

    This is really hard… I write this with tears flowing freely… This is not necessarily a bad thing…

    Since the stroke, there was only only one word he could say, it was “Eila,” my mother’s name. There was something he wanted to share, and on Saturday and Sunday he tried to speak to both of us. His frustration was apparent as he tried to form the words that would not come. I privately assured him that he did not have to worry about mom for I would be there for her. He seemed to relax a little.

    On Tuesday, October 4th 2016, my mother and I were sitting on opposite sides of his bed, me on his right, mom on his left. We had just been asked by the hospital staff to decide which nursing home we should place dad in. Dad had an oxygen mask on, and he could not speak, but as I looked into his beautiful crystal blue eyes, they were clear. He knew what was going on. As mom and I talked, I glanced at dad and his mask seemed to fog up. I reached for his hand, but it was too late. The nurses came bursting into the room; the alarm at the nurse’s desk had gone off. Dad’s heart had stopped.

    I begged him to come back, even when I knew he could not.

  • Dealing With Cancer, XXXIV

    Have you ever been so numb that you start staring at walls for no reason? You stare and stare, but you do not even see the wall? Do you ever feel like you could do this for days, preferring the blank wall to the realities of life? Have you ever felt like you were not ready for the realities, but you were helpless to change them? Has this helplessness ever made you so furious that you rise up and shake your fist to the sky… Shake your fist at no one?


    This is the most beautiful wedding picture I have ever seen. How can I live without them? They are so in love…

    My mother has shocked her doctors because she is sill alive; I am grateful. My dad has just been diagnosed with possible lung and stomach cancer.


  • Jaco, Jaco, Jaco…

    Someone sent me a link to this comment.


    This is in response to a post I made of your continuing cyber-harassment and threats to me.


    This becomes insidious when you add this threat to your growing list of threats.


    So, let us get back to your latest response. First, a geography lesson is in order. My city is the capitol of California, and it is on the West coast of the USA.


    Now let us get to my favorite part. Unless you have been living under a rock, you must have heard of cyber-stalking. Cyber-stalking usually starts on social media, as evidenced by your poorly disguised threats above. It does not matter where you live… It’s caller “cyber” for a reason.

    Cyberstalking is the use of the Internet or other electronic means to stalk or harass an individual, a group, or an organization. It may include false accusations, defamation, slander and libel. It may also include monitoring, threats, or gathering information that may be used to threaten, embarrass, humiliate or harass.

    Next, let us address your understanding of the law. Telling you what to do is not an infringement of your rights. Please seek legal advice from a real attorney, and make sure you give them all the facts, not just those you cherry-picked. The deriding statements, threatening comments, questions alluding to the fact that you have looked at my house on Google Earth, coupled with the threat, “We will get to you,” would nullify any delusional claims you think you have. They are, in fact, indicative of a cyberstalker.

    False accusations. Many cyberstalkers try to damage the reputation of their victim and turn other people against them. They post false information about them on websites. They may set up their own websites, blogs or user pages for this purpose. They post allegations about the victim to newsgroups, chat rooms, or other sites that allow public contributions such as Wikipedia or Amazon.com.
    False victimization. The cyberstalker will claim that the victim is harassing him/her.
    The posting of defamatory or derogatory statements. Using web pages and message boards to incite some response or reaction from their victim.
    Harassment, embarrassment and humiliation of the victim

    Now, what part of CEASE AND DESIST are you having such trouble understanding.